Like many of my friends, I have concerns about the intellectual stagnation of the members of these groups, particularly in the occult and pagan communities with which I have the most acquaintance. They claim not to be dogmatic but their members share many unexamined assumptions which they defend with intense hostility when they are called into question, however politely or reasonably. Systems of belief are seductive. I am frightened they will seduce me and repelled when I see others who have been seduced. Looking back on my personal history I can remember times that I fell into rigid systematization and I am ashamed. It's very satisfying to have all the answers but it chokes off the potential for independent thought. Now I am determined to embrace my own ignorance and the intrinsic ambiguity of the world, without abandoning my quest for knowledge.
Groups are hard for me because of my idiosyncracies. People become hostile because of my heretical positions on issues that are close to their hearts. In addition, I find much of the ritual work in these groups is so poorly done that it enters the realm of the patently offensive, like superhero comics or situation comedies. Finally I have personal mental blocks about group membership that derive from my intellectual distance from other children in school and the utter divergence of my interests - mostly scientific at the time - from theirs. I do not expect to fit in and in some ways group integration is a very threatening unknown. I admit that I have been known to act out when I seem to be starting to integrate, which does not always make me the most pleasant company. It takes a lot for me to admit that I like to have a group of friends. Given all this, one would think that I would avoid groups altogether, and for years of my life I have. During the current decade (the 1990's) I have been closer, though. There have even been a few months of heavy involvement here and there. Why?
In brief I know of three reasons. One is educational. I learn about spirituality through contact with others. Topics of study include ritual practice, social dynamics and the role of belief. I learn about methods I would otherwise never encounter, or only read about. I am an O.T.O. member at the moment because it gives me an opportunity to observe and take part in rituals due to its relatively liberal admission policies; if not for that I might never have a chance to study initiation, which is so important to many people.
The second is social. While I might at times deny it, there is something compelling about fraternal dynamics, something more than hanging out with one's friends, even though it is also that. I do not understand this very well yet but I only have the opportunity to study it by belonging to a group. In addition, there is a great range of variation, and I sometimes meet wonderful people who share my unusual interests. I don't know where else I would meet such people.
I suppose I would lump the sexual in with the social. Almost all my girlfriends have had some occult or pagan involvement. Given my own degree of personal involvement and the general social prejudice against Occultism there might be problems otherwise. I don't know where else I would meet suitable partners. But perhaps this assumption reflects some insecurity in myself. I'm a pretty reasonable and accomodating person and could probably come to terms with any spiritual person, occult or otherwise.
Third and last there is the experiential aspect of spirituality in groups. This differs from solitary practice in many ways. In the past I hoped for some balance to my natural reclusiveness by matching solitary practice with group practice, but I have found over time this is based on something of a false distinction, and I no longer feel motivated by the idea of equilibration. This is only a quest for external redemption. So what is different and worthwhile about ritual in groups?
A good group ritual can transform the space more powerfully than most solitary rituals. Something about the group affirmation of the change of space brings in a whole new dimension that is only rarely attained in my private rituals. The energy is thick, hanging almost palpably in the air. This is a remarkable experience and often a very rewarding one. (I feel embarassed by admitting this, as if I should defend my solitary practice, which does transform space. Perhaps I err in saying that group ritual transforms space more, rather than differently.) A bad group ritual, though, can evoke revulsion and offense, whereas a bad solitary ritual is usually only disappointing. I don't have bad trips in solitary ritual or meditation, but I can leave a poorly-done group ritual absolutely furious. In any case, the range of ritual experiences is expanded in groups and so is my understanding as a participant-observer.
Books You Might Enjoy:
Kenneth Grant - Magical Revival
Tuesday Lobsang Rampa - You Forever
Nu Isis Working Group - Magical Scripts And Cipher Alphabets
Thomas Moore - Candle Magick For Love
Melita Denning - Mysteria Magica Book V
